Sex is the most blissful experience available to both men and women and it’s the super glue that holds happy couples together. Sex should be enjoyed daily, and yet a mere 4% of Americans actually report this frequency. Unfortunately, even if a couple starts out with daily sex sessions, the frequency often declines considerably, as the relationship progresses. One of the reasons for this decline is a lack of understanding among men, on what turns a woman on. Most of the things that women find sexy, men would never imagine would be a turn-on, and below is a list of the top 5 surprising, yet effective ways to trigger a woman’s desire.


Cater to Her Motivation for Sex


There’s a lot of sexual medicine research that shows that the motivations for women to have sex are very different than the motivations for men to have sex. For men the motivation for sex is rooted in pleasure, it can exist totally independent of a relationship, and it has little to do with emotional intimacy.[i] Women’s motivations, on the other hand, center around emotional intimacy; women crave affection, and a genuine, intimate connection.[ii] A great way to make her feel emotionally connected to you, is by listening to her intently and remembering minute details of what she has to say. Pay attention when she mentions liking something, and surprise her by mentioning it or buying it for her, weeks later.


Another excellent way to foster an intimate connection is through touch, because touch releases the bonding and connectivity hormone-oxytocin. Don’t just touch her when you want to have sex though, touch her as often as possible. Hold her hand, cuddle with her, caress her hair or face, kiss her tenderly, place your hand on her lower back or around her waist while standing next to her, and lay a hand on her upper leg while out to dinner. Give her a lingering hug before you leave for work and when you get home, and for added provocation whisper something sexy in her ear such as “I can’t wait to rip your clothes off later,” or “I’ve been thinking about your naked body, all day”.


Learn and Cater to Her Love Language


According to Gary Chapman there are five languages of love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. [iii] A persons love language is the way in which they receive and communicate their love. Your love language is likely different than your partners and if you don’t cater to your partners language it can create a lot of misunderstandings and unnecessary difficulties. For instance, let’s say your love language is “acts of service” and hers is “words of affirmation”. You may have spent the entire day “proclaiming” your love to her by fixing her car, cooking her dinner, tidying the house etc. and she may still feel unloved because you haven’t verbally told her how much you love and adore her. If you try and initiate sex when she is in this emotional state of feeling neglected and unloved, her instinct will be to pull away. Once you understand her love language, making her feel loved will become super easy and straightforward, and your love life will benefit as a result. You can discover your love language and hers, and get a copy of the best-selling book “The 5 Languages of Love,” here:


Reduce Her Stress Load


Stress is one of the biggest libido killers and chronic stress is an epidemic, especially among women. Years ago, us women were told we can have it all, which is great, accept for now we’re being given the message that we should be it all – we should be successful career women, we should be available and attentive mothers, we should be loving wives, and we should excel in the bedroom. This is a tall order, and most women are left with the lion’s share of the work at home on top of it.


Chronic stress is exhausting, and it depletes essential sex hormones. In this physical and emotional state, sex will likely be the last thing on her mind. So, if you want to boost her sex drive, take stress off her plate wherever you can and make sure to share household and childcare responsibilities equally. If you have children, after dinner, draw her a bath, and tell her you will finish up with the dishes and putting the children to bed. Self-care is such a huge, important part of women maintaining their sexuality, and giving a woman a little bit of time to care for herself will have a tremendous effect on her mood and sex drive.


Make Her Feel Cared For and Sexy


Because emotional intimacy is a woman’s primary motivation for sex, making her feel safe, comfortable, loved, cherished and adored is essential for igniting her arousal. I like to say, courtship starts in the morning, and the more you can do throughout the day to help her out and make her feel cared for, the better. You also need to make her feel sexy. Many women get so caught up in the stress of day to day living, that they completely lose touch with the sexual side of themselves, especially if they have demanding jobs or young children at home. You need to remind your woman how sexy she is, by telling her multiple times, EVERY DAY. Tell her she is the sexiest thing you’ve ever laid your eyes on, that you can’t stop thinking about her, or that she drives you wild. Send her sexy text messages throughout the day and ogle her blatantly from time-to-time. Make her feel loved and adored by complimenting her non-sexual attributes as well, tell her how brilliant she is, how beautiful her smile is, how funny she is etc.


Cater to Her Senses


Men are very sensitive to visual cues and are aroused both physically and psychologically by them.[iv] Women on the other hand, are rarely affected by visual cues on their own, and the site of your naked body is not an instant turn on for her, like hers is for you.[v] That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tend to your appearance though, taking time to shave, do your hair, and put on one of her favorite outfits will definitely help spark her desire for you. Many women are even more aroused by auditory signals however, and whispering something sexy in her ear, reading erotic stories, sharing your fantasies, or even playing music that makes her feel sexy, can be huge turn-on’s. Olfactory signals are also important for many women. While the pheromones in your sweat can activate her desire, if there is body odor that goes along with it, it may repel her. Before sex, cuddling, or date night, you should shower, clean and groom your genital area, and approach her smelling fresh. Cologne may also do it for her, and I recommend you go shopping together and let her pick one out for you.